But as always she’s looking in the wrong places! Here, I present three wrong places.
There certainly are real problems with prolonged stresses of all kinds. It certainly takes a long time to get to a stage where healing can happen. But, a person must truly want the relief, for the remedies to work. Wishing and hoping and praying (something she doesn’t do) will NEVER be enough. A person MUST do concrete actions in order for the remedies to bring the relief.
One of the first things a person is told, when they are overwhelmed with troubles, is to STOP engaging in any and all news stories. Then they are told, and taught, how to relax and get in touch with their bodies so that the body can began to heal. Relaxation then allows the negative feelings to dissipate and be replaced with positive healing feelings/energies.
Joan knows this! She’s had several friends tell her what she needs to do, even tried to teach her, to support her, but no, these things are not what Joan wants to do. So she will continue to be a basket case of, and with, physical, mental, emotional and spiritual ailments because she refuses to take care of herself and her soul. She does not want to hear what her soul has to tell her.
In June, 2015, Joan Mary Wheeler liked an article and said…
‘And for those of us who are victims of abuse (emotional, physical, cyber stalking, cyberbullying, extended over long periods of time – years) what is our remedy? What is our relief?’
Now I didn’t see anything in that news story that remotely related to her question but I do have some suggestions;
let go of your life-long hate and anger over being adopted
stop thinking like a victim
stop with the pity-party
stop browbeating people who adopt
stop searching for news articles about abuse and adoption
stop thinking, reading and writing about adoption
stop rewriting and promoting your story
start thinking about loving yourself and all of your two families
start thinking like a confident strong survivor
start thinking that others have a right to think and do as they want
start thinking that adoption has a place in the world of humans
start thinking of accepting your life
start by helping the sick and dying without personal benefit
start being grateful for your life, however imperfect it is
start praying to the Divine
start now, for your life will not last forever
And if you don’t start altering your views you will face DEATH totally alone and afraid!
That being said, let’s RETURN to the question…where is her relief from abuse. Well it’s obvious that she’s NOT going to find it by hanging on to her pain and her story. Let’s look at an example of how Joan is ‘one with her pain’; how she refuses to let it go!
There are many adoptee sites available these days that seem to KEEP the negative aspects flowing by encouraging adoptees to speak about their pain. This is why so many, for a lack of a better term, ‘negative adoptees’, seem to disrespect and condemn those adoptees who are happy, content and loving in their adoption circumstances. Negative begets negative and cannot understand positive. They all talk about ‘validating’ their feelings! Validating feelings is good, but only up to a point. If you can NOT get beyond the pain there is SOMETHING very wrong.
Sept 2015 – from the Facebook site, Is Adoption Trauma?
Were you expected to be silent about your adoption or were you encouraged to talk about all that you lost and your feelings regarding your adoption?
Joan Mary Wheeler said;
I was never allowed to talk about being adopted. My adoptive mother told me at my young age of about 5 that I was adopted. First she told me that my mother had too many children so she gave me to my new parents. I didn’t know what to think or feel. A few years later, when I was about 7, my adoptive mother said that my mother had died and my father thought it best that I live with my new parents. What is a small child supposed to do with this information? I kept it to myself, afraid, feeling alone. Then I was found at age 18 by siblings I was never supposed to know. My adoptive mother could no longer hide behind her lies. Yes, my mother had died, but I was not told I had four older full blood siblings and an entire family of relatives who lived in the same city. Nor was I told that they all kept the secret because adoptees are never supposed to know the truth. The feelings of betrayal, the loneliness, and the hate directed at me simply because I was adopted — I felt this as a small child. This is not how a child should be raised. Nor is it how an adoptee should be treated. (end)
Why does she have to keep repeating it? Abuse begets abuse. Repeating it doesn’t stop it, repeating it only VALIDATES the abuse! Repeating it continues the pain and abuse!
She should have known this a long time ago, but her pain is SO engrained into her being that she must continue. She started writing ‘her story’ the moment she was ‘found’ by birth siblings. She wrote it over and over again while raising children, if you call it (raising) that. She printed it in published articles and then in a book. When that book was pulled, for libelous content, she rewrote it again. She really has no sense of how she is repeating the abuse, how by repeating, over and over again, in print, what she went through, and HOW she (mis)taught and (mis)treated her own children, how she is continuing on with the abuse!
From her book, we see how Joan teaches her children about adoption; first from the e-book edition and then from the pulled from publication book.
New book…. Location 4492, Chapter 33 My Children
‘By the time Aaron turned six and Bridgette was three, the facts surrounding their mother’s adoption and reunion were accepted parts of everyday life. One day, as I went about my daily chores, the kids were playing in the living room. I was in the kitchen washing dishes when I heard my son say, ‘Now, Bridgette we’re gonna play house. I’m the Daddy and you’re the Mommy. Here, we have our babies, take a doll and I’ll take the other one. Now Bridgette you die. Go lay down and die!
I took a dishtowel and dried my hands. Moving closer, I saw my daughter lying on the rug with her arms outstretched. Aaron continued, ‘that’s good, Bridgette but now you have to play the other mother.’ Bridgette stood up, walked to another part of the living room and waited. Her brother walked toward her with the doll she dropped. ‘Now here’s the baby. We can be a new family now’. Then the two continued playing house by feeding their two babies, pushing them in the stroller, and tucking them into bed. I didn’t know if I should laugh or cry. What amazed me was that they picked up on the one mother dying and the other waiting to make a home for the baby. But why didn’t they simply play house like other kids? The answer was obvious, because they weren’t like other kids. They were living through an adoption-reunion along with their mother and reflected what they’d heard by making it a part of their personal identities. They understood their mother was adopted. I don’t know if this particular scenario was ever repeated. I did, however, witness Aaron and Bridgette playing house with the typical mother, father, and baby routine at other times. It seemed that they accepted different ways of making a family.’
Note…Italics is the author’s
In the first book… pgs 282-283, Chapter 25 Meeting Resistance with Education
We find a different version. Here is ONLY what was changed from and into the NEW edition.
Knowledge of how their mother came to be adopted and had a reunion became everyday conversation.
It was natural for them. Understanding how their mother came to be was important.
In conclusion, both editions of her story seem to show Joan’s warped, strange and unhealthy sense of how to explain adoption to her children. She must have spoken often of her mother’s death, and then a ‘new mommy’ taking the baby, for the children to ‘grasp’ that concept.
Joan also places her children in a state of being according to Joan’s view; ‘living through an adoption-reunion along with their mother and reflected what they’d heard by making it a part of their personal identities. They understood their mother was adopted’ and ‘because they weren’t like other kids’.
Go back and read what Joan says about how she ‘was told’ about her adoption. How is the way she told her children, about how she was adopted, any better? Or worse? Think about it!
With that I leave you with some simple suggestions…